Fractured Mind

No one ever said recovering from an eating disorder was easy, but I had no idea it would be so exhausting, messy, and, well, just plain hard.  I feel like my mind is being pulled apart in two different directions.  Part of me wants to recover, but part of me is scared to.  It's hard to live in limbo as I know eventually, one side will win.  It's hard to explain why I would care to hold on to my eating disorder, especially since I hate it so much.  You see it's like a comfort blanket...except this one is covered in barbed wire.  You get used to the pain, and in some bizarre way, find comfort in it.  As you could imagine, removing barbed wire would be an extremely painful process, and it would be easier to just let it stay embedded.  I've had my eating disorder (let's call it ED for short) around since I was 15, so for half my life, all I've known is ED.  To remove ED feels like I'm trying to remove a piece of myself.  I don't know who I am without ED.  I don't know who I'd be without it.  This is a scary and risky proposition, but I know it's one that needs to happen or I'm destined to the grave far too early.  It takes all my strength to get out of bed in the morning, to face the war in my head.  I may look fine on the outside, but my mind is tearing itself apart.  "Do this.  EAT!"  "No don't you dare eat that!"  "You can do this."  "You need me!"  Ugh, the constant arguing in my head is unreal.  Now I'm not crazy...well maybe a little bit, but all the best people are (yay Alice in Wonderland reference!!).  I know all the thoughts come from me and my crazy brain...that's what makes it so hard.  I told my therapist that some days I wish God had made me a hermit crab instead of a human.  All they do is wander around in their shells without a care in the world.  They can curl up in their shells away from the world whenever they want.  But, alas, I am a human, and I need to start living and doing human things instead of following the crazy rules and rituals ED would have me do.  So here I find myself at a fork in the road.  Do I continue to follow ED, or do I step out of my comfort zone into life and recovery?



Song of the day: "Supposed To Be" by Icon for Hire