Camping: A Lesson in Recovery

Over Memorial Day weekend, I went camping. It's not that unusual as many people camp on this particular holiday, but I'm talking straight up backwoods camping. The kind of camping where you have to pee in the woods and hike 1.5 miles just to get to your campsite. Real camping. Initially I thought we were going to a campground, but boy was I wrong. It turned out to be a good experience as I had some moments of clarity and reflection about recovery while I was hiking one particular trail. I'm not going to post how far or long we hiked on this particular venture into the backwoods of Indiana because it surpassed my dietician's allotment of exercise time, but hey, I'm not perfect either and recovery is a process. While hiking, I couldn't help but think of my last blog post and about taking a new path/the road less traveled. At the beginning, I started out with my two hiking companions, but eventually I walked faster than they could keep up, and I found myself alone hiking on a trail in a forest I had never been to before. I thought how this literal hike and trail I was on was like my journey in recovery. At first, I stumbled over roots and loose rocks on the trail and got ensnared by thorn bushes and ivy. There were times when the path wasn't clear, and I had to pause a moment to find my way...at least what I hoped was the right way because I was alone and had no one to ask. I doubted myself and ventured down several seemingly would-be paths before I felt I found the right way to go. There were times when the path narrowed, and the forest was creeping in on me, but I pressed on. You see the more I kept pushing forward, the more confident I became. I stumbled less often. I was better at picking up the trail when it was unclear which way was the right way to go. I started to notice God's creation around me and the beauty of the streams and trees and the sounds of wildlife. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that maybe the journey of recovery is a lot like hiking. The path might seem daunting at first, and you may stumble/make mistakes along the way. There will be times in recovery where the next right thing to do may not be totally clear...but it's okay. As long as we keep pressing forward and utilize the tools and skills we learn along the way as well as learn to navigate past potential pitfalls, we will eventually make it. Hey we might even learn to enjoy the sights and sounds along our path of recovery...signs of life.



Song of the day: "Road Less Traveled" by Lauren Alaina

Crossroads/Surrender

I recently completed my second stint in inpatient treatment for my eating disorder. It was hard not to feel like a failure because I had to go back to residential a second time but this time was different. The first time I went to treatment, I felt more or less forced to go. This time around, it was my decision. I surrendered to the process if you will. I was spiraling further into the eating disorder rabbit hole, and I finally realized how out of control I was. I was ready to surrender to the treatment process and to God. It's not easy, and I have to choose to trust and surrender daily...sometimes every hour or minute. Sometimes I choose to obey ED, but I am starting to disobey him more, which is a start. I wrote a poem or more like a short, creative essay for my final project upon commencing from Selah House. They have us do a creative project to share with everyone during "commencement," or a little celebration they do when you discharge. I feel like it touches on how hard surrender is and choosing another path instead of ED. I call the piece, "Crossroads."


A lone figure stands at a crossroads. One road is well-worn and dark but somehow familiar. The other road looks new and barely used. It has a warmth and light that beckons to her, but where does this new road lead? It is strange yet somewhat inviting. She stands and stares at the two roads. She knows how to navigate the well-worn and rutted road. Even though it is dark, she knows how to avoid the potholes, brush, and debris. The problem is that it always leads to this same crossroad. She wonders about the barely worn path. Despite its warmth, it is still foreign. What if she stumbles? What if she gets snared by the brush and entangled by vines? Where does this new path lead to? Does she dare take the risk? Her heart pounds and eyes dart from one path to another. Her bare feet are bloodied and bruised from the dark path, and she had never noticed until now that the familiar path is lined with broken glass. It is like her eyes have been opened for the first time that there is another path. It was just harder to see. So which path does she choose? With a racing heart and deep breath, she tentatively steps onto the new path, and with fear and trepidation, she takes her first steps into light.

End the Stigma-ED Awareness Week

We are in the midst of one of the most sacred weeks in my heart this week: Eating Disorders Awareness Week.  As you might expect why, this week is near and dear to my heart because it helps shed some much-needed light on a subject that millions of us suffer with, often in silence.  Millions us with eating disorders are often stigmatized as attention-seeking or vain, which neither are true.  Eating disorders are serious, deadly serious.  If you have an eating disorder, you either recover or die.  There is no door number 3.  The medical field and people in general are seriously lacking in education about eating disorders.  You see the eating disorder is only the symptom of the true underlying issues affecting a person.  We don't do the ED behaviors for attention or because we are so full of ourselves; quite the opposite is true.  Those of us with ED often feel immense hatred of our bodies or shame or feel the need to punish it, etc.  The list of reasons is endless, and we often do our behaviors in secret because of the guilt and shame we feel.  The rabbit hole goes much deeper than just simply not eating, eating too much, etc.  We often feel out of control, a lot of times due to trauma, but not always, so we use ED behaviors as a way to cope and to seemingly gain some semblance of control over our situation, environment, emotions, etc.  My point is that before you joke about an eating disorder or point out that poor person struggling with food in a restaurant, please educate yourself and show some compassion.  If we could "just eat" or simply stop binging or whatever the behavior may be, we would have a long, long time ago.  We're not abusing our bodies as just a simple case of acting out.  We have a disease, a disorder.  We need treatment and help just like someone with a broken bone would need medical help.  If you are one of the millions struggling with ED, you are not alone.  I hear you.  I see you.  I am you.  Come out of hiding because your struggle is worth acknowledgment and compassion, not ridicule.  You deserve help, no matter what ED tells you.  If you have a friend or loved one with an eating disorder, give them an extra hug this week or do something to let them know they are loved and not alone.  It's time to let the world see you and hear your voice.  You are enough.  You are worth being seen and heard.  It's time to heal.


Song of the day: "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten

Scars-A Poem

I am hesitant to post this poem I wrote a few years ago because it is extremely personal, and it reveals a struggle I've had for awhile that hardly anyone knows about...self-injury.  I feel it's important to bring this subject/struggle to light because there are so many others that struggle with this issue as well.  It's not just a teenage "emo" thing the kids do.  It is a serious issue that you do not grow out of, and many adults are struggling in silence because it can be embarrassing to talk about.  Well, here is me showing vulnerability...and my scars.

 

 

Scars

 

I'm embarrassed by the marks on my arm.

They look like a work of art etched on my arm

like one would draw on an etch-a-sketch.

However, the lines don't disappear when I move my arm about.

I can't wipe it clean.

They're like permanent reminders of my pain,

not an artistic itch.

The work of art is more gruesome than beautiful

with each line reminding me of each hurt, fear,

anger, disgust, or apathy I was feeling that day.

Some of the scars will fade,

but if I look hard enough,

I will see them.

It's like looking into the eyes of pain itself

wondering why it must leave its trail on my body.

Each self-inflicted wound digs deeper into the core of me

until I realize the real scars aren't left on my arm,

they are left on my heart.

Each strike to my arm delivers a pulsating blow to my soul.

I must stop this madness before I rip my soul to shreds...

and only have my etch-a-sketch to console me.

 

 

Song of the day: "Pieces" by Red





A for Anxiety

People who have anxiety know how disruptive and frustrating it is.  Panic attacks and sudden feelings of being overwhelmed are hard to manage, especially when they can come up suddenly and for no reason at all sometimes.  I had a mild panic attack the day I made my blog public.  It didn't happen right away.  It happened, ironically, as I was watching a horror/suspense movie.  The movie wasn't all that scary, so I was wondering why I was feeling so anxious and overwhelmed.  I connected it to posting my blog to Facebook as that took me to a place of vulnerability I don't usually let people see.  I get frustrated and feelings of uselessness and worthlessness take hold in my head because my anxiety gets in the way of so many things and just life in general.  I had to quit my last job because I would have crippling anxiety attacks at work that would last for hours.  It was exhausting, and I couldn't really hide the attacks from my boss or coworkers any longer.  It's embarrassing to admit that anxiety has caused such havoc in my life, but I also know there are so many others like me suffering in silence or ridiculed because we should somehow be able to just "pull yourself together."  Why, yes, thank you Captain Obvious for that oh so helpful tip.  Anxiety, like many mental health disorders, are just so misunderstood because, most of the time, there is no outward sign that anything is wrong.  A friend posted a picture the other day of brain scans from people who had different mental health disorders.  It was refreshing, in a way, to finally see the "evidence" so to speak.  We are not making it up.  We are suffering, and our brains show it.  So the next time you have a panic/anxiety attack or are feeling useless because your anxiety is interfering with life, remember that you are not alone in this fight.  Just because your ailment may be "invisible" doesn't mean it doesn't matter or doesn't exist.  If you can't just pull yourself together, it is okay.  I'm with you...and ignore all the people who are ignorant to your circumstances.  People like to talk about a lot of things they don't understand.  Your feelings matter.


Song of the day: "Breathe" by Jonny Diaz

Fractured Mind

No one ever said recovering from an eating disorder was easy, but I had no idea it would be so exhausting, messy, and, well, just plain hard.  I feel like my mind is being pulled apart in two different directions.  Part of me wants to recover, but part of me is scared to.  It's hard to live in limbo as I know eventually, one side will win.  It's hard to explain why I would care to hold on to my eating disorder, especially since I hate it so much.  You see it's like a comfort blanket...except this one is covered in barbed wire.  You get used to the pain, and in some bizarre way, find comfort in it.  As you could imagine, removing barbed wire would be an extremely painful process, and it would be easier to just let it stay embedded.  I've had my eating disorder (let's call it ED for short) around since I was 15, so for half my life, all I've known is ED.  To remove ED feels like I'm trying to remove a piece of myself.  I don't know who I am without ED.  I don't know who I'd be without it.  This is a scary and risky proposition, but I know it's one that needs to happen or I'm destined to the grave far too early.  It takes all my strength to get out of bed in the morning, to face the war in my head.  I may look fine on the outside, but my mind is tearing itself apart.  "Do this.  EAT!"  "No don't you dare eat that!"  "You can do this."  "You need me!"  Ugh, the constant arguing in my head is unreal.  Now I'm not crazy...well maybe a little bit, but all the best people are (yay Alice in Wonderland reference!!).  I know all the thoughts come from me and my crazy brain...that's what makes it so hard.  I told my therapist that some days I wish God had made me a hermit crab instead of a human.  All they do is wander around in their shells without a care in the world.  They can curl up in their shells away from the world whenever they want.  But, alas, I am a human, and I need to start living and doing human things instead of following the crazy rules and rituals ED would have me do.  So here I find myself at a fork in the road.  Do I continue to follow ED, or do I step out of my comfort zone into life and recovery?



Song of the day: "Supposed To Be" by Icon for Hire

New type of blog

I haven't blogged in a long time, and I thought it was time to dust off the keyboard to let everyone know what's going on in my head.  I also thought that blogging again would be helpful to my recovery from an eating disorder as well as depression and anxiety.  I am also hoping that my posts will be helpful to others suffering from similar issues or from a mental health disorder in general.  I aim is to be real and genuine without, hopefully, being triggering.  Sorry pro-ana or pro-mia people!  I am not pro eating disorder, so you won't be seeing any tips or thinspo here.  I am pro-recovery.  My goal is to share my triumphs, fears, and also my down days.  I also hope to inject some humor into the blogs as I know that recovery and dealing with the day-to-day issues from mental health disorders can be rough.  My goal is to blog daily, so keep a look out for a new post tomorrow!!  Remember, YOU ARE ENOUGH, YOU ARE LOVED, and YOU ARE WORTH FIGHTING FOR!!


Song for today: "You're Not Alone" by Lacey Sturm