I recently completed my second stint in inpatient treatment for my eating disorder. It was hard not to feel like a failure because I had to go back to residential a second time but this time was different. The first time I went to treatment, I felt more or less forced to go. This time around, it was my decision. I surrendered to the process if you will. I was spiraling further into the eating disorder rabbit hole, and I finally realized how out of control I was. I was ready to surrender to the treatment process and to God. It's not easy, and I have to choose to trust and surrender daily...sometimes every hour or minute. Sometimes I choose to obey ED, but I am starting to disobey him more, which is a start. I wrote a poem or more like a short, creative essay for my final project upon commencing from Selah House. They have us do a creative project to share with everyone during "commencement," or a little celebration they do when you discharge. I feel like it touches on how hard surrender is and choosing another path instead of ED. I call the piece, "Crossroads."
A lone figure stands at a crossroads. One road is well-worn and dark but somehow familiar. The other road looks new and barely used. It has a warmth and light that beckons to her, but where does this new road lead? It is strange yet somewhat inviting. She stands and stares at the two roads. She knows how to navigate the well-worn and rutted road. Even though it is dark, she knows how to avoid the potholes, brush, and debris. The problem is that it always leads to this same crossroad. She wonders about the barely worn path. Despite its warmth, it is still foreign. What if she stumbles? What if she gets snared by the brush and entangled by vines? Where does this new path lead to? Does she dare take the risk? Her heart pounds and eyes dart from one path to another. Her bare feet are bloodied and bruised from the dark path, and she had never noticed until now that the familiar path is lined with broken glass. It is like her eyes have been opened for the first time that there is another path. It was just harder to see. So which path does she choose? With a racing heart and deep breath, she tentatively steps onto the new path, and with fear and trepidation, she takes her first steps into light.
